Friday, 16 May 2008

Church Service or Twilight Zone Episode?

I don't mean the title of today's entry to be taken as a Which do you prefer? type of question. It's just a question.

Edson and I went to services last Sunday. (I know, another late post. I was sick from May 6th on and am still not 100%.) We arrived a bit late; just in time for all the mothers in attendance to be honored (It was Mother's Day, remember?). And how do we honor the mothers? By praying for them (OK) and giving each an apple.

An apple?

As if to remind them they are descendants of Eve? That they were tempted by the apple? That they convinced a dim-witted Adam to take a bite? Should churches be distributing the fruit that takes the blame for the fall of mankind? (Then again, an apple a day keeps the doctor away.) Aren't teachers supposed to be the ones to get apples?

Of course, it is better than a pin or something completely useless. Just a nice way to say Thanks for allowing your eggs to be fertilized, carrying a child for 9 months and not killing it afterwards or anytime before it could leave the house employed.

After the readings, the congregation was treated (liberal use of the term treated) to meditation from a guest speaker (Oh no), a born-again (Oh No! No! No!) Palestinian (What the??).

Like any good born-again Christian, Pastor Mike Nasrallah spoke in a very gregarious and colorful manner. Very quickly. Very loud. In an accent. (Accent? Well, he is Palestinian!) I just had no idea Palestinians had the accent of Robert DeNiro (think Taxi Driver) and Marlon Brando (think The Godfather)! Come to think of it, he looked a bit like a cross between the two too! Edson and I only understood every eighth word he said between gasps and perspiration. The congregation seemed to understand more. If not, they certainly knew when to shout their Amens! Fortunately, unlike speakers who drone, born-agains tend to know when to wrap things up when speaking, and Mike was no exception, so we were barraged with-uh the word-uh of God-uh and Jesus-uh for only ten minutes-uh.

This is where today's post becomes a little PG/R rated:

One of the few things I understood him say was that one day we'd begin receiving messages from the Lord on devices such as our cell phones. After all, God made cell phones...and i-pods, and all our other electronic gadgets (God made vibrators??). It made me think back a few days before when I received a message in my Spam mail from Jesus.

Yes, Jesus is spamming me. He wants to help me enlarge the size of my penis.

So there you have it.

They always said the Lord speaks to us in mysterious ways; I just wasn't expecting these kinds of messages!

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