Friday, 29 May 2009

Being a Filipino Celebrity

All seven thousand-plus islands of the Philippines are abuzz with the scandal of one doctor who videotaped his sexual trysts. Due to undue meddling by the church in public affairs here, the national senate is now "investigating" these leaked videos, all persons participating (knowingly or not) in them, and who leaked the videos over the internet, causing YouTube sensation Susan Boyle to become Susan-who? in less than a day.

Dr. Hayden Kho is a 6'2" celebrity doctor and fashion model who bedded many famous women, including actress Katrina Halili (seen here dancing with the good doctor)and his mentor, celebrity plastic surgeon Dr. Vicky Belo.

The term hidden camera has been revamped, and is already hayden camera in the popular jargon.

Although it seems a friend of Kho's stole the videos from Kho's laptop and is spreading them online, the senate is not concerned with that. They want Kho's medical license stripped, and several provinces of the country are now forbidding him to enter. Despite the fact in a sense he is as much a victim as some of the women involved, he seems to be the one who will be left completely to blame, not the person (whoever it may be) who is posting these videos online.

This is hardly anything the national senate should be spending day after day investigating. After all, this is a group of people who busy themselves most days taking bribes, skimming profits for themselves off public works projects, getting kickbacks from businessmen they aid...and they're supposed to be investigating the morals of a guy who enjoys videotaping himself having sex? Really, all they are doing is watching one amateur porn flick after another every day and then bringing the man and women featured in each in for a Q&A session!

The videos have been viewed online many hundreds of thousands of times each.

The person posting them claims there's around forty videos in all and releases new ones every few days.

Let's see: A nation that proudly proclaims its Christianity is fixated on viewing the private sex acts of others and the senate is a very active participant in this. As much as I don't want to think it, I am quite certain the senate members are extremely envious of Dr. Kho, despite their calls to strip him of his license to practice and humiliate him further in public. They all want to be him. They all rush to the men's room with extra tissue in hand after each investigative session I'm sure.

But today attention was distracted from Dr. Kho.

No, Susan Boyle isn't here to sing. Although Davy Jones is going to have a concert here shortly.No! Not that Davy Jones!Yes, that Davy Jones. Although he looks more like this (add in some gray) now:He's no Susan Boyle, but I'm sure he'll pack 'em in at Araneta Center.

So what could distract all those Christians from their porn?

News of yet another celebrity sex scandal! And this one involves produce abuse!

Of course, this is completely a work of fiction in the same manner National Lampoon has been doing for decades and a number of websites have been for several years now. But it is diverting attention from Dr. Kho's problems today.

I'll warn you, this is quite a bit on the adult side:

Showbiz talk show host Jobert Sucaldito is recovering at the Capitol Medical Center in Quezon City after a successful emergency surgery to remove a large piece of cucumber that got stuck in his rectum, according to reports.

Sucaldito, one of the hosts of ABS-CBN’s “The Buzz,” reportedly met with the accident Sunday night and was rushed to the hospital after complaining of “extreme pain” in his bottom.

X-rays subsequently revealed that a broken piece of cucumber, about five inches in length, had gotten lodged into the lower end of his large intestine.

It was not immediately clear how the cucumber got there.

The surgeons who operated on Sucaldito were tight-lipped and refused to discuss his case with media, citing doctor-patient confidentiality. Oddly enough, they all looked like they were trying vainly to keep from laughing and refused to look reporters in the eye.

Members of Sucaldito’s household who declined to be named said they recovered the other half of the cucumber, also five inches in length, in Sucaldito’s bedroom.

They said it had “bite marks” and was in a “soggy” state.

Besides the cucumber, they said they also found “a bottle of Johnson’s baby oil, pictures of scantily clad men, and lots of tissue paper.”

Reached by phone, Sucaldito said he is fine and will be discharged from hospital soon. He explained that it was all an accident.

“Gumagawa kasi ako ng salad. Napaupo ako dun sa chair e meron palang pipino dun na patayo ang pusisyon. Basta, mabilis kasi ang mga pangyayari (I was making a salad. I sat on a chair but there was a cucumber there in an upright position. Everything just happened so fast)” he said.

In a related development, a group of vegan Filipinos is reportedly thinking of filing an abuse complaint against Sucaldito for allegedly molesting a harmless and defenseless vegetable.

OK. OK. Yeah, that was pretty tasteless.

But it did make you laugh.

And that's the news of Filipino celebrities for today. Now if they could only get the archbishop and the senators to stop hitting rewind on the Kho porn all day...

1 comment:

koko said...

the jobert sucaldito cucumber incident made coffee spurt out of my nose....rofl,ouch...
totally hilarious