Friday, 27 July 2007

My Increased Market Value

I used to go to bars and clubs and nobody ever noticed me. That was when I was in the US. Here in the Philippines, no matter where I go, I am much more popular.

I’m told I am “exotic”.

Yeah, right.

I am “hot”.

Of course I am! It’s 90 degrees and humid!

What?

Oh……as in “sexy”?

Huh?

Do I look different now than I did this morning when I last saw myself?

Last week one of Edson’s officemates was speechless when he introduced me to her.

Then I got it.

White=Exotic. White=Hot.

It also explains why there are a lot of guys here who would be considered “less-than-desirable” back in the states who have guys or girls fawning all over them. Some Filipinos are simply looking for a sugar daddy, so the whole looks thing isn’t important to them. Apparently, that may be just one of the things people think as they see Edson and I walking through the malls, etc. Only they notice I am too close in age to Edson to be his daddy. We do get the looks; that’s for sure! It is also something friends of mine will notice when we walk together. People look at us then too.

Sometimes I like to stare back at them. Sometimes I pretend to not notice them. Some days I really don’t notice at all. That’s usually when Edson or a friend does. It’s when I’m alone that I notice it most. Last week a guy eating at Oliver’s Sandwich Shop in Glorietta spotted me and tapped his two other guy friends on the shoulders to spin around and they all just stared at me as I walked past. Yeah, I realize that sounds like something that only happens in movies or Doublemint Gum commercials, but it really did happen. Another guy, as he was getting on at the bottom of an escalator, saw me getting on at the top of the other. He stared at me the entire way. He even watched me as I walked away from the escalator once it had descended.

Sometimes I’ve thought there must be food on my clothes, ketchup on my lip, or I’ve forgotten to wear matching shoes… I check, but all is in order. It must be something else…

Maybe they think they know me?

No. After all, all white people look the same. I’ll be waiting to meet someone for an appointment and they’ll text me, saying they are there, and where am I? The only other white guy is a full 50 pounds heavier than I am, sporting a thick black beard, and balding. We’re both white, so it’s easy to mistake us.

I also don’t think I look like a famous celebrity. I have no delusion of being a famous celebrity. And how many people could there be reading this blog and recognize me from that itty-bitty picture? I even checked to verify that I bear no resemblance to anyone famous. Checks with MyHeritage.com , analogia.lycos.co, and even aol’s celebrity look-alike softwares came up with a mixed-bag of results.

MyHeritage.com claimed I bore a 55% resemblance to Susan Sontag. She’s dead and I seriously doubt any of her fans, friends or relatives will ever mistake me for her. They also claim I bear a 45% resemblance to Gianni Versace, Ernest Hemmingway, and former (also dead) Serbian prime minister Zoran Djindjic, among other lesser-known (or completely unknown to me) people.

Analogia.lycos.co matched me to British TV presenter Michael Barrymore, actor/comedian Michael Palin, and actor/filmmaker Kevin Spacey. I looked and looked and looked and am certain their software was smoking something to have matched me up to the pictures I saw of those guys!

AOL seemed the best. They matched me up with Metallica’s James Hetfield. It’s a stretch, but I can almost see that. There are similarities in our eyes and facial structures.

But they also matched me to actor Terrence Howard! You can see why I am befuddled on this one.

And this one: Chris Cooper.

Lastly, they matched me to actor/singer Ben Jelen.

I’ve never heard of him, but he is HOT! I don’t see much of a likeness between us, but I’m more than happy to be thought of looking as good as that guy, especially since he still appears to be in his 20’s and I’m just past that. Har-har-har!

So, having researched that, I can say that no one should be mistaking me for a celebrity, unless they have been smoking some of those funny cigarettes or are in severe need of an optician.

So, it’s back to being hot because I’m white.

Edson’s afraid this will all go to my head. I don’t think so. Although I may encounter my own form of Attention-Deficit Disorder once back in the states! What would a doctor prescribe? Certainly not Ritalin! Perhaps YouTube and a camcorder? Group therapy sessions with former celebrities? At the clinic, would I have to room with Kato Kaelin? Would it be helping or hurting William Hung when we bound and gagged him to keep him from singing before, during, or after each session? Would I ever get an opportunity to speak? There’s a pretty long (and ever-growing) line of reality TV has-beens out there!

Well, until then I can pretty much say that if Filipinos had the money, I could be doing quite the business if I wanted to sell myself! I have all the advertising exposure I need: I’m white, and white=exotic=hot.

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